life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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