how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
