I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
whose parrot is this?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
