I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
