We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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