wakey wakey hands off snakey
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
