I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I AM VODKA MAN
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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