The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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