Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize