She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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