My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
