The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
