my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
