I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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