I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
