He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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