it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm just crazy horny about you
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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