My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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