Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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