i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
