The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
worst night to have a conscience
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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