Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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