his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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