I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We don't watch enough power rangers
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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