Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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