okay pat passed out under dana's car
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
