hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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