dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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