The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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