Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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