Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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