i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
