anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
