do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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