I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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