i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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