I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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