you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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