I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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