You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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