Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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