Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dicks are not precious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Never joke about your clitoris.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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