i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
