just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
