You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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