I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
