Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize