I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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