I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
