she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
