last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
