rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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