it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
