I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
