Betty ford says i'm here all night
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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