Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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