god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My balls are so social today.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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