I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
