Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
