nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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