Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
