I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
