Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
