tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
